| I've
liked both sexes for as long as I can remember.
When I was an adolescent I was in love with
a girl from my class, but I was also excited
by a few boys in the school gym. But that
kind of desire was not common and usual
in my time. So I always worked hard to suppress
it in myself, to forget about boys. But
always, in one way or the other, it came
up. But I was secure in my orientation toward
women, at least I thought at that time.
So I got married.
I have a wife and daughter.
It was not long ago that I heard of bisexuals.
I was happy when I realized that I am not
as special as I thought I was.
I married young -- I
was 20 and she 19 -- and was a faithful
husband to my wife as far as women are concerned,
but I couldn't stop myself from looking,
thinking about and desiring men. It seemed
to me that it was not cheating. They just
attracted me sexually. I didn't want to
make some deeper connection.
In that time in my town
there was a park which at night was known
as a "place for homosexuals."
Every time I passed by I was exited and
felt anxiety. And then, one night, when
my wife Milena was in the hospital waiting
to deliver our daughter, I was nervous and
didn't know what to do with myself alone
at home. So I decided to go and just walk
through the park, just to see what was happening
there. That night I had my first sex with
a man. I was 21 and it was like I made my
biggest wish come true. |
 |
The
next months and years Milena was so taken
with the child that I had free evenings
and I started to visit the park often. Then
I made some acquaintances and heard of some
other places where I could meet men. I lived
a double life; I was simultaneously satisfied
and frightened. Sometimes I was terrified
at the thought I was the only man who was
doing both sides. Milena was occupied with
raising our daughter and working, and I
was very careful, so, as far as I know,
she never realized the situation.
Of course I didn't go
out every time it crossed my mind. Moreover,
I waited sometimes too long, resisting my
desires, to make it special, so it didn't
become ordinary. Just once I thought that
I could fall in love with the man, and I
ran away. It wasn't something I could allow
myself in my situation.
Years passed, computer
and Internet came to my home. So I found
out about other bisexuals. It was a relief.
Not that I now have the heart to tell my
innocent wife the truth, but anyway it is
much easier now when I know that people
like me exist.
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